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Highlights of Insanity From The Alex Jones Custody Trial

A Whole Lot Of Crazy Packed Into One Tasty Article

Rory Gallagher, Staff Writer

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Alex Jones is a conservative figure from Texas. He is the face of a website known as InfoWars. His ex-wife wants custody of their three children. Alex Jones responded with multiple actions to make their custody trial the frontrunner, for the most insane court case of 2017. Here, thanks to the initial reporting of the AV Club, are the actions of Alex Jones.

Before the trial even began, Jones’s attorney tried to claim that he was a “performance artist…playing a character.” Red flags were already raised at this pretrial blocking.

“That’s like journalism, right?” asked Adam Bruner, Visual Communications major. “His lawyer is trying to spin the facts in the most positive way, which means they do their job well. Oh, [Jones] went to community college that’s interesting.”

On his way to court the next day, Alex Jones recorded a video, while driving. This video completely tanked his lawyer’s defense in four seconds by stating that “everyone is an actor, but I believe in what I [talk about in my videos]!”

When Jones actually stepped into the court building, he failed to recall “basic facts” about his children, because he “had a big bowl of chili for lunch.” The guy had enough mental faculties to record a video while driving. Understandably, he had entered a state of chili-laden confusion, after he had sat down for a little and answered questions.

“Wait, what?!” sputtered Adam Bruner, Visual Communications major. “I don’t understand.”

Still on the first day, Bobby Newton, his wife’s attorney, demonstrated Jones’s instability towards taking care of his children by showing a bunch of clips of InfoWars’s favorite reoccurring segment: Alex Jones ripping his shirt off.

“Nice,” replied Adam Bruner, Visual Communications major. “Why would his wife want the kids again? Why did she even get divorced! His insanity is bringing the money home!”

Then Bobby Newton revealed that Alex Jones also stripped, during family therapy sessions. The real reason for the transfer of custody was revealed to be that his children were starting to repeat insane statements Jones said.

“Oh, and now the plot thickens…” said Adam Bruner. “Oh no, you can’t have that.”
Four days later, Alex Jones gave the greatest 4/20 quote of time by saying, in reference to his drug use, that he occasionally smokes marijuana “to monitor its strength, which is how law enforcement does it.”

He then blamed George Soros, the boogeyman of all conservatives, for making weed stronger. Jones of course had determined this theory himself. After investigation, philanthropist Soros has honestly assisted with the legalization of marijuana worldwide. However, there is no clear line of reasoning that he helped create a strain so strong, it “has brain damaged a lot of people” as Jones claims.

“Of course he’d blame George Soros!” exclaimed Adam Bruner.

Alex Jones then tried to defend his influence on his children by saying “they’re very proud of the comedy memes [I’m] in.”

“…Online, I’m a #1 meme.”

“I’m confused about what he’s trying to prove,” admitted Adam Bruner.

The line of the trial appears, when Alex Jones got to state that all he wants to do while at home is “swim in the pool and eat hamburgers.”

Adam Bruner then arguedw “Why do people think this man is crazy?” said Emil Scales, Automated Engineering major, who was then inquired on chilling in pools and eating burgers. “Not while swimming!” he protested.

The last announcement of insanity is, of course, a chart related on being a real man’s man. Alex Jones sure attempts to act like more of a real man’s man than wrestling construction worker Steven Regal. He described his theory in a recent InfoWars video via the most lazily drawn chart of all time.

AV Club’s Sam Barstani explained this comedy goldmine. “Clearly, the beginning and end points represent the health of a man’s brain, which gets stronger as a man gets older, but dips back down when a man gets too old. The numbers over the figures’ heads represent ages, with 12/13/14 being the ages when most societies, (‘it wasn’t just the Jews’ as [Jones] put it) allow a young person to decide if they’re ready to become a man.”

“At 16, they’re kicked out of the house. At 35, they act like they’re 16 and decide to have kids, which is something that he says should happen when a man is 16. Because liberals and lizard people have destroyed manhood for our modern society.  Most people don’t mature to age 35/16 until they’re 40, at which point all women are apparently barren.”

“So even though the chart doesn’t reflect this information, age 35 is when someone is at their ‘peak, peak, peak, peak, peak, peak, peak.’  (Yes, he said it a bunch of times for some reason.)”

On Thursday evening, Alex Jones lost custody of his three children, after his ex-wife’s attorneys convinced the jury that he was trying to psychologically turn the kids against their mother. He left by saying that the “biggest story” of the whole trial had been totally missed by the many reporters, and that they would soon find out what he meant. 

In conclusion to this whole messy affair, Alex Jones feels like a supervillain let loose in the real world. Bravo, sir. The globalists will sleep terrified tonight.

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Highlights of Insanity From The Alex Jones Custody Trial